Why I decided to walk in faith

So many bad choices, so many mistakes in my life. It’s incredible but looking back, I have basically screwed up my life. Now, I make a decision to walk in faith and trust in God’s word. There are times that I feel that God is with me and that this has been his plan all along. But most of the time I just feel it’s out of total desperation and there is nowhere else to turn. It feels like when you have a child that you’re always telling not to do something but he keeps doing it. Eventually, the price of bad decisions has to be paid. I guess this is my turn and now I’m turning to God and telling him to fix the problem. How does someone really now that they are after God’s heart? For me, it feels like I’m trying to base my life on God’s word. But then again and to be honest, I’m also doing this for my own selfish reasons.
I’m turning to Christ, Shouldn’t my problems be fixed? Shouldn’t Christians be driving the nice cars while the evil people in the world struggle?
At times when I’m arguing with the mother of my children and she questions my faith and laughs about putting my trust in God. I’m like, get her God…How can you let her just do those things?
But then again at other times, I realize that I’m in these positions based on my bad decisions. There is no one to blame but myself.
Why does it seem like the people who put their faith in God are the saddest people? To me, it looks like those people who talk about faith in God, are the ones that are hopeless and always struggling in life.
It looks like they have nowhere else to turn and no one to turn to. Why doesn’t God just take us out of all the misery?
Why does it always seem like the bad people win and the faithful loose?
I’m a good person, why am I struggling, working hard and getting nowhere, while my x seems to get ahead by doing nothing?
I wish that there were answers to my questions.

Journaling my walk in faith

Day 1
Have to admit that I feel great today, inside there is a sense that everything is going to be taken care of and for me not to worry.
Had a little problem today when it keeps being mentioned about my children being taken out of state.
Started talking to my children about the importance of having faith in God and to let him take care of all our problems.
There are five thoughts on my mind today which I will just put down as A, B, C, D, E and F. I will lleave them lettered as they are either people or other events in my life and I still need to maintain privacy. I did put them down on my computer so that I will remember  who they are or what the situation was at a later date.
On the way to taking my oldest son to the gym, I received a phone call that my two youngest children wanted to speak to me.
Inside the gym was talking to a person who works there about the school they were attending so I will put this as G.
I guess for now, the post will be written in this format as these are just some things that happened today that I could remember.
Day 2
Still trying to figure out how to write this blog but decided just to go with it..
Not bragging but I have to say that I feel confident in God today.
I heard on the radio a scripture that said"A man after God's heart will do his will no matter what". I kind of question that because how do you know if you are really after God's heart? For me, I think I;m after God's heart but I also realize that I'm just desperate not to loose my children.
The mother of my children asked again to let me allow the kids to leave to North Carolina.
We were arguing and I told her whatever happened that it was God's will. She just kind of mocked what I was saying. Sometimes I don't understand how people can be so blinded with what they want that they are willing to hurt those closest to them.
Was listening how God used a teenage boy for his glory  and that in our weakness he is strong.
Was funny because later in the day I was arguing with the mother of my children again and I just kept telling her that I had faith. Kind of made me mad when she responded about where my faith had gotten me. I mean I have lost everything and don't even have money to pay for gas.
Just kept thinking how Goliath mocked David and how God puts you in situations to build you up.  Was explaining to a friend on My Space about the journal I was doing about walking in faith.
Once again received a call from the mother of my children and this time she was talking about the father of my stepdaughter and how much child support he gives. I don't understand why she can't see what I once meant to her..
Went to the Garden of Eden to pray:

• Trying to pray for God's will but also asking for my children not to leave.
• Was wondering if I was acting like this out of desperation and not faith.
• Felt like I have so many problems and nowhere to turn
• Is this faith or wishful thinking?
• For some reason I thought about a story of a disciple that was in prison and was happy. How could someone be in prison and be happy?
• Rejoice in the Lord,,,always....

Sent out my daily text which is a text that I send to people:

• God puts you in situations to build you into what he wants you to be. But you think you have it bad, imagine being a kid and made to fight a giant with a sling...now that is faith

Received a text back from Martin that said Everything works out for those who trust in the Lord...Romans 8
Funny because that is just what I needed at that moment. For some reason it uplifted my spirit and to be honest this was the first time that I have sent Martin a Text.......Funny how God works

Before my walk in faith

The “Garden of Eden”, where the change in my life began and possibly where it ends. Dramatic isn’t it? The Garden of Eden, sounds so biblical and you are probably thinking that I’m one of those people that have total faith in God and everything he does. Well, I wish that was true, but keep reading and you will probably realize the opposite.
The first day that I happened upon a prayer garden, the only thought that came to my mind was that this must have been what the Garden of Eden looked like. From the beginning, this prayer garden gave me a piece of mind. Because of this peace, I visited as often as possible. Believe it or not, the reason this blog was created was due to my thinking that this place was my “Garden of Eden”.  My view of an incident at this place will either makes me the biggest fool around or proves in my mind that God’s word is true. Up to this point, over a year into my walk in faith, it looks more like I’m a fool.
It’s hard to even start explaining why “the incident” caused such a change in my life. Maybe it was because of the desperation in my life and I was just searching for anything to keep me going. Maybe it was just an ordinary event that I completely blew out of proportion. Or just maybe, this is what God had planned for me over a lifetime of being such a knucklehead in life.
“The incident” that changed my life occurred after about a year of visiting this place. It occurred when I was leaving the Garden and returning to my car. Upon leaving, there was a snake blocking my exit.
There was this small black snake in front of me. It wasn’t big, scary, or dangerous but rather small and it was just blocking my path. What was strange about the snake was how it was moving. The snake was trying to crawl, slither or to be honest I couldn’t tell what it was doing.  It definitely was struggling to move and it looked like it had been injured or crushed. It is hard to explain the way this snake was moving as I have never seen a snake move that way. Instead of just sliding across the ground, it would lift its head of the floor and than would just flop it back down. The flopping motion only caused it to move a couple inches from the last place it was at.  It just kept lifting its head up and flopping it back down. At first, I thought the snake was dying and I was just standing there watching this struggle.  It’s crazy but all of a sudden, some terrifying sensation came over me. I don’t even know how to explain it, but I was scared but not scared at the same time. Crazy, but this feeling left as soon as the snake made it across the path and disappeared. As soon as the snake left, the sensation was gone and everything felt fine. After a few moments, I was once again trying to leave when there was something else blocking my path. This time it was a dove that was in front of my exit.  Look, I’m not one of those people who believe in stuff like that, but let me tell something hit me. I swear, there was a feeling that something terrible was going to happen.  It felt as if everything in my life was going to change and that this would be the hardest period of my life. In my opinion, the snake represented the hard period that would be coming.
But there was also a feeling that everything would be fine at the end of this period. I swear, it felt like that I would lose everything that was important to me. That this period would be the hardest part of my life, and than at the end everything would be fine. Honestly, I’m not the type of person that feels that everything for a reason. But I swear, from some reason I knew something bad was going to happen.  A few days later, everything in my life would change and the beginning of loosing everything in my life began. The snake, dove and the place that I always called “My garden of Eden”, the place where Eve changed our lives .. would be the starting point of my walk in faith.
Sounds dramatic huh……
Well, everything that I have done in my life since that happened has been due to that story.  That either makes me the dumbest person in history, or proves that God word is true. I once heard someone say that if you don’t believe God’s word to be true than put it to the test.
So here we go and this is my attempt to put God’s word to the test. And if anyone ever sees that dove please let me know because I haven’t seen that bird in a long time.